“LIFE IS DIFFICULT.”
Thank you, Dr. M. Scott Peck and his book, The Road Less Traveled, for telling me (us all) the truth.
Life is difficult. Period. AND the fact that “life is difficult” is not a problem and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you (or me). (Parents, please tell your children that life is difficult and that this is OKAY!)
I’ve spent way too many years trying to be perfect because that’s what I thought everybody wanted from me—I lived under the assumption that I had to get it “right” the first time, or else.. or else what? I didn’t pause long enough to think this who thing through.
Recently I was reflecting on my early years as a yoga student (age 17) and how I thought my yoga teachers wanted me to get the instruction the first time they said it. Years later (just last month) I realized that not only did I not “get it” the first time, I wasn’t supposed to understand the instruction right away. I had to let time pass, I had to embody the instruction, I had to live it. I had to mature into a body that could understand.
So moving forward, now as I get to embody being a yoga instructor, I encourage my students to dive into the practice for the “long haul.” A lifetime of learning and embodying the teachings over, and over again.
The truth is we don’t want each other to be perfect, we want each other to be REAL. Yes?
Real is what you get after a long day of hard work—washing dishes, planting and harvesting food, being with children, sitting at a desk answering telephones, cooking, cleaning, wading through the piles of shit, (literal or preverbal)—dirt under your fingernails, sweat between your breasts, an aching back, a stiff neck, a pounding head, tired eyes, hunger pains, and the knowledge that tomorrow you’ll wake up and do it all over again… because this is what it means to be human, and This. Is. Real.
(Note: you’ll also get a taste of Real after long periods of boredom, or gut-buckling laughter, or sobbing really hard).
Why then, you ask, would anyone want to be born just so that they can go through a difficult existence? And isn’t that why we’re all aiming for the day we can “retire”?
Well… yes, and… not really……
There is so much joy that comes with being human. Moments of joy are in harmony with moments of pain. The pain doesn’t have to override the joy. We will experience both. And retirement is a myth in case you’re still diluting yourself.
Let’s use the story of Prince Siddhartha as an example—a prince, protected from all pain and suffering, in a magnificent palace, surrounded by only the most beautiful courtiers and yet, “Something—as persistent as his own shadow—drew him into the world beyond the castle walls.”
Siddhartha wanted more than beauty, riches, and good company. He was called by his higher self to become fully human. We are all called beyond our castle walls—we are not drawn to be perfect, but to be Human, to become more real.
One way to BE with ourselves and with one another is to recognize that everyone we encounter has a broken heart—this is what it is to be human, to have a body, to live on planet Earth, so experience suffering and joy one and then the other over and over again.
I’ve tried to hide my humanness by trying to be perfect when in fact I was scared of being found out, of being real.
The mind is sneaky. It makes up stories and tells all sorts of lies. What are your castle walls hiding? What are you hiding behind? Trying to be perfect, strong, brave, out-going wealthy, poor, or a know-it-all [insert your own word here]?
These are a few simple, tried and true tools that I use to help me RELAX and let go of trying to be perfect (or strong, or brave, or outgoing):
- SLOW DOWN in order to really listen to the body, to nature, to others.
- SOFTEN because this goes against our natural tendency to “push harder” in order to succeed. (Which is another great topic: “Redefining What Success Means,” which I’ll save for another time.) Softening shifts my old habit patterns. Shifting these patterns changes the way I age and I like this because I want to bring more attention to all parts of my life especially as I grow older.
- PULL WEEDS I’ve been pulling up tumbleweeds instead of mowing them down because I want those f*$%#ers gone! Plus there are so many great metaphors for pulling weeds, like, “You need to get to the root of the issue if you want it gone for good.”
Where are you hiding out? Where are you trying to make things better than they are? When we confront our challenges and recognize our own setbacks as tools, teachers, and have gratitude for those things we cannot change, we make space for Love.
“Where gratitude exists, only love exists.” –Arnaud Desjardins.
I slow down. I drive the speed limit. I returned to a paper calendar with little, tiny squares where I “plan” my day. I meditate first thing in the morning rather than go for a run. I read novels.
I soften. I listen more and (try to) talk less. I eat more cheese and bread. I grow my hair long and wear it down. I don’t wear much make-up.
I pull weeds. Literally. I do my own dishes and take out the trash and cook more. I read cookbooks. I get my hands dirty and walk barefoot on the earth. I build a house.